Gentlemen Prefer Bleach

Budding DJ Belle De Jour takes time from her busy schedule to tell us about music, sub-dermal appliances and her love of Succulents in the second part of our double 'pals' interview (you can read part one here)

What’s new, Belle De Jour?

Not much. This week’s been quiet. I had my hair done, you probably noticed. My mate Berol did it.

It’s very… White.

Platinum, mate. I was ash blonde for ages but I woke up one day and realised it made me look a hundred. You like?

It depends if collar and cuffs match.

That is so cheeky. Of course not. No one will ever find out my true hair colour. I go to the greatest lengths to make sure everything down there is away so no one finds out.

So you’re a ginger then.

Le renard.

What do you get up to in your spare time?

I collect mugs. You know, for tea? I love them.

I had you more as a coffee drinker.

No no, I hate tea. I just like the mugs. I buy one whenever I go somewhere new. My latest one is China. It’s made of China. That was actually a present from my Dad. He was there on business and he brought it back. There was one from Japan too. It’s a Funassyi mug.

What’s a Funassyi?

You’ve never heard of Funassyi? It’s a genderless pear mascot, for a city. It’s parents were both pear trees and have 274 children. Its favourite band is Black Sabbath. Japan is the bomb! I hear they eat some pretty mental stuff though. The Japanese have mascots for everything, even the prison system.

Is Funassyi your favourite mascot?

It’s Kingsley, obviously. The mascot for Partick Thistle FC (shows picture).

That is terrifying.

I know, great isn’t he? I went out as Kingsley last Halloween. Nobody in Firewater knew who I was meant to be. All those indie boys dressed as Liam Gallagher have no imagination, that being said I pulled a guy dressed as Tony The Tiger that night! He ended up being a bit weird. He had all these different kinds of tea but didn’t have any mugs. Want to see a Funassyi gif?

I like your screen. Is it new?

I’ve had it for about a month now. I’m really chuffed with it. The colours are really vivid, even from under the skin. Its in 16:9 just now but you can set it to super widescreen so it spans most of my forearm. See? I’ve got some light tattoos too, here at my collarbone on both sides and one on my ankle. I don’t really like that one so I’ll be having it taken out soon. Swallows are kind of old hat now. They look great in clubs and it’s a laugh to make them glow when I get excited.

How you got any other enhancements?

I spent quite a bit upgrading my ear so I can stream all the newest tunes straight in. EarphoneTM was fine for a while but it’s limited to songs and albums that are officially released and I prefer to wander off the beaten track. There’s some amazing bands out there, and even more people recording it themselves and putting it out there. Right now I’m into Beholder, where someone records the whole process of creating a track through their eyes and then upload it so subscribers can experience it too.


Do you play an instrument?

I can’t, hence why I’m a DJ. I did the piccolo at school, but piccolo’s are not cool. They make everything sound like Captain Pugwash. Roger The Cabin Boy and that. Actually I sing. Just here and there. Mostly in the car.

Where do you DJ?

Mostly at people’s parties. Like, there’s be some big get together at someone’s flat and I’ll get asked to play some songs for a couple of hours. Sometimes I’m just there and stick on a song or two, and before I know it I’ve been on all night. I’d like to do more clubs but maybe that would kill some of the magic, you know? Once you go into a night club out of hours, during the day when the lights are up, it’s never quite the same again. It seems so much smaller.

Vinyl or digital?

At home, vinyl. I like the feel of LP covers and reading that an album was produced by Tony Visconti or whoever. After you read so many LP covers you start connecting all the dots of who’s worked with who, who was behind a certain sound, all that. Cool as. When I’m out and about though, digital. It means I can carry everything. My mate Parker, sorry, you probably know her as Athena, likes to carry around this cute little lunchbox full of 7” singles. She’ll bring it round when we listen to records. She likes picking the records before she leaves the house, like she’s creating a set in her head. When I’m DJing I like seeing where the music takes me so it’s better to have everything to hand. I love a good album though. Shuffle works on a bus journey but if I’m in the bath or drinking with some folk or charming the pants of someone nothing beats a good record. The pops and the jumps are all part of it, but if that happens in a club or a party everyone’ll boo you off faster that you can say Ebeneezer Goode.

Why do you call her Parker?

Ha, it’s the eyebrows. Or should I say ‘eyebrow’. Please don’t print that!

She mentioned that you both used to be New Ravers.

Yeah we’d go The Arches in every clashing colour you could imagine and wave glow sticks at strangers, dancing to Does It Offend You, Yeah and Klaxons. We’d drink those fucking fishbowls full of blue WKD and get smashed before we even went in sitting on office doorsteps. I’m amazed we never caught pneumonia! There was a third girl as well we used to hang about with called Elsa. She turned bad. Got into Techno.

What do you make of Jake and Athena hooking up together?

Well, I pretty much made that entire thing happen.

Did you set them up that night at the Art School?

I tried to. Honestly, that boy is useless. You can lead the horse to the water, you know? She’s just as bad. I’ve no idea where she disappeared to that night. I was more successful getting them to meet at the library. The trick is to let them think that they did it all by themselves.

What do you think of Jake Wheeler?

I like him. He’s got heart but boy, he takes forever to do everything. He gets so distracted. I’m like: “Okay! We’ve got an hour to get this, this, and this… Let’s get busy!” and he’ll be like “sure, but first I’m going to read the back of this DVD case.” He helps me, actually. He knows a lot of people and he got me started DJing, particularly with the money thing. I was happy to do it all for free until he let me know what others, some with much less class than me, were being paid for doing exactly the same thing. I’ll kind of always owe him for that. He’s got this mental idea for a new club night called Dance Like Your Dad. It’ll be so bad it’s good.

Jake's favourite DVD case

Where will that be?

Maybe at Succulents on Bath Street. We tried Beans & Co. but they were a bit up their own arses about it, to be honest. It’s getting harder and harder to even get through their door now. Fuck, do they even want my money? You go in and it’s this empty concrete shell of a room, horrible bright lights and it’s so cold you can see your breath. Tommy even said steam comes off his piss! I guess it’s the place to be seen… To counter the mainstream or something. Mind all those hipsters guys that grew beards and stopped wearing socks to look different and somehow all started to look the same? Nah, Beans & Co. is rubbish. We should do it in the back room of a pub like The Doublet, or a social club where the pints are all 1.50. That’s the thing, there’s never a forgotten air raid shelter around when you need one.

Unless it’s Old Kit Bag…

Oh yeah! That was in Edinburgh wasn’t it? What was that again?

You paid 20Yu to spend the night in an Anderson shelter having sing-songs to The Blitz. The gin was all made in bath tubs.

Fuck, those 40s theme nights were pure shit. I’m going to start a band called The Blitz.

(Consults Google) There’s already one in Nottingham.

Ahhhhhh shit man.

Although technically they’re called BlitZ.

But why the big zed?

Maybe it’s pronounced B-lit-Z.

Sounds like The Blitz is available then. We’d be… EXPLOSIVE.

Have you ever sang in Tommy’s Band?

Which one? Blue Waffle or Schrödinger’s Catheter?

Blue Waffle.

That’s not even music. That’s five guys sticking microphones down their throats and spewing them back up again.

The kids love it.

Ah, but do they?

Probably not.

Have you seen any of Tommy’s shit tattoos? He’s got a portrait of his grandmother on his calf but it looks like Ken Barlow. He’s got an Ibiza regret tattoo on his shoulder. It’s the Jesus fish symbol but inside it doesn’t say Jesus, it says SATAN. I’ve never met anyone with such a misconstrued sense of self-image. The guy looks like alternate 1985 Biff but he thinks he’s Billy Idol.

Do you think that’s why he’s successful with the ladies?

Well I wouldn’t go anywhere near him. He’s 19 but he smells like he’s middle aged.

What’s your next DJ event?

Didn’t you hear? I’m bringing back Old Kit Bag. Nothing this weekend, but next week I’m playing some tunes at a Roy Orbison themed speed-dating night.

‘Only The Lonely’?

That’s the one.

What’s the worst song anyone’s ever asked you for?

Life Is A Rollercoaster by Ronan Bleating. Dreadful.

A UK number one…

Fuck, was it? People’ll buy any old shit. Mind him on Top Of The Pops in his leather trousers? Cannot unsee.

Last of all, and I’m contractually obliged to ask this, what’s your karaoke song?

Ooh I’ve got a few. It’s got to be Turn Back Time. Oh! You know what’s good? Enya. I don’t sing, I'd just float about the stage.

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